Muns, Raleigh (writing as "Rex Libris") "T.J. Library renamed after Tampons "
The Stagnant (University of Missouri-St. Louis) April 1, 2006, p. "Fork is sad because spoon ran away with the disk. That tramp."
The Thomas Jefferson Library has been recently renamed the the "Kotex Maxipad Memorial Library" in honor of the largest donation ever received from a corporation by the University: $12.16. All students will receive a double pack of 44 Kotex curved pads in their orientation packages starting next year. Each pad has been silk screened with the message "UMSL Libraries - Absorb Knowledge!" The "Current Pornographic Books and Magazines" section of the library has recently received a grant from Hustler magazine for the purchase of new materials needed to replace items in this heavily used collection. Students wishing to be on the selection board can contact librarian Hugh G. Dick for more information. This is difficult work and will require board members to spend hours poring over pornographic magazines and books. Come one come all! Recent reports are coming in that the Dean of Libraries has been borrowing the famed "Death Mask of Napoleon Bonaparte" normally housed on level 2 at the entrance to the main collection of the Mercantile Library. It has been confirmed that after donning the mask the head of the University's Libraries has been seen prancing around loudly proclaiming in a French accented falsetto, "I am zee Emperor! Bow down and obey my commands!" The libraries new motto, "What the fuck do YOU want?" has been approved by the Faculty Senate's University Library Committee. When asked for comment, Committee Chairperson Dr. Hugh Jass stated, "We believe this friendlier approach to public services will result in a more satisfying experience for students and faculty researchers. Now get the hell out of my face!" In other library business, placement of a "tip" jar at the Reference Desk was approved by the Emperor of the Libraries. In this pilot project, the probability of helpful assistance from a Librarian will be dependent upon the size of the tip given. It is estimated that tips of $5.00 or more will result in researchers being referred to, and assisted in the use of, appropriate resources. Lesser tips will result in less accurate information, while those refusing to donate any money will be intentionally given wrong answers. An observer noted the following interaction with a non-tipping student:
Related news concerns the Periodicals Department's announced its intention to replace all subscriptions to scholarly publications with subscriptions to The Onion. Not only will this save scarce budgeted funds, students are more likely to write better papers. "It's not as if professors actually check to see if what the students are writing is true, now is it?" said Ima Boobyhead, head of the Reference Department. |
Email Address: muns@umsl.edu
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