Muns, Raleigh. "The rogue guide to spicing up boring research papers"

The Current (University of Missouri-St. Louis) October 3, 2005 (vol. 38, no. 1163), p. 5

In 1978 as an undergraduate psychology major, I woke up one day and realized I didn't have to write boring term papers. I immediately started working on a paper for my chemistry class entitled "How to Kill More than a Million People for Less than Five Bucks." Not only did I get an "A" grade, I also became a favorite of all the poor chemistry TA's who were otherwise grading reams of papers on exciting topics like "A Review of Analysis Procedures of Various Halides" or "Preparation of Complex Carbon Based Metabolites."

As a reference librarian, I regularly get to see what topics people are working on for their own papers as they ask for assistance. Though there's nothing inherently wrong with writing about topics like "Capital Punishment" or "Legalizing Marijuana" most students don't realize that these subjects are being duplicated by their fellow students year after year after year. This is quietly driving the professors and TA's insane as they grade the umpteenth undergraduate treatise on "Abortion: Pro or Con?" So, I'm going to try to help you find your inner paper writing freak by making a few humble suggestions for possible future term paper ideas.

Super Guinea Pigs. Refer to the Economist magazine (available online in the Academic Search Premier database) for the article "A Guinea Pig for All Tastes and Seasons" (Jul. 17, 2004, p. 37). Not only will you get started on learning about the exciting subject of raising guinea pigs for food, you will also find out that Peruvian scientists have bred a new "Super" guinea pig weighing up to 10 pounds. It feeds a family of four. A Google search for "guinea pig recipes" will turn up a few interesting sites with culinary suggestions.

Cannibalism. Always good for a few laughs for the sociology and criminal justice students. Suggested paper titles should be something like "Who Ate Whom ... and Why?" Extra credit for inserting in your paper that the last man convicted specifically of cannibalism in the United States has at least one school cafeteria named after him. Google "Alferd Packer" or "Alfred Packer" to learn more.

If you're going to write about "Capital Punishment" why not write about "Capital Punishment of Animals?" According to an Atlantic Monthly article "Bugs and Beasts Before the Law" (Aug. 1884, p. 235) there is a long history of courts trying animals for crimes and then executing them. Typical crimes were murder (mostly committed by pigs) and bestiality. Apparently one equine caught in flagrante delicto with its owner had its good character vouched for by the local citizenry. Rather than be executed and burned as was normally the case, the noble steed was allowed to live out its natural life on the grounds of the local church. The good citizens claimed that the owner must have forced the poor horse into the heinous act against its will.

Finally, I give you all permission to update "How to Kill More than a Million People for Less than Five Bucks." Basically, you determine what is necessary for manufacturing some deadly substance (I chose VX nerve gas) and determine the costs of the components needed to create it. Of course when Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez's minions come to pay you a visit, you're on your own.

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Email Address: muns@umsl.edu

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